An Answer to a Question on NFP

A parish priest responds after a moral theologian

Please note this post addresses mature topics. Reader discretion is advised.

A wife writes to a National Catholic Register blog looking for help with the times of abstinence in Natural Family Planning.

E. Christian Brugger, a moral theologian from Virginia answered her question found on the Register’s blogs section of the website. My critique of his answer does not mean he is incorrect or even wrong. It is more to focus on how to address this within a pastoral parish setting.

The question is that the couple practices Natural Family Planning but they find the period of abstinence difficult. They asked if they may practice what is ultimately a form of mutual masturbation during these abstinent periods. This was especially regarding her husband whom the wife said occasionally used pornography during these times.

Summing up E. Christian Brugger’s answer, which is better read on its own, he said no to their request and encouraged them to pray for a better solution.

I will not dispute his answer but he is a moral theologian, I am a parish priest and I would like to phrase my answer differently. The difference between a moral theologian and a parish priest is the difference between a physics professor and an electrician. A physics professor will teach you that electricity will kill you. An electrician will use the tools to ensure that it does not.

Why Live Morally

What is the purpose of living the moral teaching of the Church? This is a foundational question and one we must address before we look at the next phase of the answer.

The purpose of living the Catholic faith is not to live a good life so that we can ensure our place in Heaven. That is a form of a long-condemned heresy—Pelagianism. It assumes we earn our way into Heaven by living morally. The true reason why we live our Catholic faith is to be witnesses to Christ and His kingdom. Jesus did not call us to be moral agents but to be his witnesses to the ends of the Earth. You can be an atheist and live Catholic morality. Our vocation is to witness to Christ. Morality is a part of our witness, but it cannot be the sum of what we do as Catholics.

At the end of the Baptismal Rite, the priest says: “May the Lord open your ears to hear his word and your lips to proclaim his faith to the praise and glory of God the Father.” That is a commissioning ceremony to be proclaimers of the Gospel. Therefore, it is our prime role as Catholics.

In paragraph 2098 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church, you will find the sentence: “Prayer is an indispensable condition for being able to obey God's commandments.”

Prayer

Prayer is the key to living our Catholic faith. We are not subjects to a dictator deity  who judges us at the end of our life whether we are worthy enough to enter his tyranny. We are actually in a partnership with God to be His witnesses to His love and truth (cf John 15:15). St. Paul reminds us we are citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven (cf Philipians 3:20) and its ambassadors (2 Corinthians 3:10). Therefore, our prayer is the communication link of that partnership. Prayer must be an essential element of our Catholic lives, our Catholic families and Catholic marriages.

As a priest, I often remind people that the most dangerous thing I can do at any time is not to pray. Following the teachings of Bishop Fulton Sheen, I must pray for an hour daily. All Catholics need to maintain a solid prayer life as much as eat regularly. This is a central part of our being as Catholics, being in communication with God.

Prayer is so essential that St. Alphonsus Liguori, Doctor of the Church taught that those who pray are saved and those who don’t are damned. If we do not pray, we court disaster. The rules of the faith become just that—rules we follow because we are supposed to follow them.

A married couple needs prayer to be an essential part of their married life because marriage is a vocation and as with a religious vocation prayer is lifeblood to live it fully.

Marriage is a Sacrament where the husband and wife cooperate with God directly by their faithful union. (cf Casti Canubii #6)

The next part of my answer is to their question:

“My husband’s frustration with our abstinence periods has led to marital tension and his occasional use of porn, and he has grown resentful of the “Catholic rules” about sexual pleasure and marital intercourse. Though he still agrees with avoiding contraception, he believes mutual manual stimulation during abstinence is legitimate if the purpose of the acts is to foster intimacy between us and make the whole home and family more harmonious. “

The concern is following the Catholic Rules. E. Christian Brugger replies that we are dealing with truths not arbitrary rules that apply only to Catholics.

God is leading us where we cannot imagine

Another way to look at it is that God is leading us along a path beyond what we can understand on our own. So He leads us to a larger understanding of our world and our being and to be witnesses to it. This we understand more fully through prayer. Notice Jesus prayed every morning to the Father. Can we do less and live as He calls us? I suspect not. This does not mean that prayer has to be in the morning. However, it is important to have a prayer time scheduled daily for each of the spouses preferably together.

As St Alphonsus Liguori taught speak to God as you would a good friend. So in prayer, we speak to God about our good times and our frustrations and pains.

During COVID, I discovered and taught about YouTube channels that offer Eucharistic Adoration live and I promoted online Eucharistic adoration, if going to a church is impractical. In either case, a period of prayer, spiritual reading, even only twenty minutes a day is essential for every married couple.  

The Church calls us to be docile to grace. We are not to be obedient for obedience’s sake but to be channels of a greater work in us which is beyond our ability to fully understand. When we do not live at that level, we are in sin. We repent and try again. However, we are in good company. The Bible teaches us that the just man falls seven times daily but he also gets up again. (cf Proverbs 24:16)

Now, in this case, the husband finds the time of abstinence difficult and resorts to pornography at times and the question is can they engage in mutual masturbation in order to deal with the time of abstinence? Look how the writer responds. This is where I get my back up.

He explains that this is a mortal sin and in order to receive communion they have to go to confession.

What is confession?

This is typical American Catholicism. According to the answer, one goes to confession in order to receive communion because they committed a mortal sin. That statement greatly denigrates the Sacrament of Confession. If the husband is struggling and fails in his attempt at abstinence, he can go to confession. That is after all the reason for the Sacrament.

What is Confession? It is one of two sacraments of healing. The Catholic who goes to confession receives sacramental grace. The penitent receives assistance in his/her efforts to stay faithful to God, each other, the vocation and the Sacrament. St. Paul reminds us that where sin abounds, grace abounds more (cf Romans 5:20) and grace abounds in the Sacrament of Confession.

It is a sacrament; so it is a channel of God’s grace. It is so powerful that every exorcist I ever spoke to (in person not the celebrity exorcists you find on YouTube) tells me that one sincere confession is more powerful than one hundred exorcisms.

I interviewed Fr. Robert Spitzer who had studied the case that was the inspiration for the book and movie The Exorcist. He told me that the priests had to do the rite thirty-six times to ultimately free the boy who was possessed. This means in that standard, one sincere confession is three times more powerful than the the rite from the original case that inspired The Exorcist. I always explain to my parishioners that the reason why no one talks about that is because you cannot make a popular movie about someone going to confession.

This gives the couple a powerful opportunity at a channel of grace that will help them live their vocation much more powerfully.

South American Catholicism teaches to bring your weaknesses to Christ and allow his grace into your life through those weaknesses. North American Catholicism teaches you are a sinner and you better go to confession before you receive the Eucharist. Further, you must pray that you do not get hit by a bus on your way to work or you will go to Hell. That is not Catholic teaching by the way. The former is a deeper expression of Catholic teaching and the latter is nothing more than following rules.

This North American rules based understanding of the Sacrament of Confession angers me everytime I see it. Technically it is correct but it is matter of following rules for rules sake and does not get into the reality, power and beauty of the sacrament.

We were commissioned at Baptism

The Sacrament is there because we at our baptism receive the call into a partnership with God. He sends us to be his witnesses to the world. Once we understand this, we understand the importance of living our faith as a vocation and not as a set of rules. We also understand that we do not have the ability on our own to live the vocation to which Christ called us. (cf John 15:5)

The early Christians were often called prophets before they received the name Christians at Antioch. All baptized Catholics have a mission to be prophets in Christ. We have an invitation to live our vocations in powerful ways and we do this through prayer, staying close the sacraments and allowing God’s grace to transform us.

God’s grace is at its most powerful not when we boast of our successes but when we come to Him with our faults, what Brazilians call fraquesas (brokenness and weakness). It is then we are most powerful in Christ. (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Acknowledging our brokenness and struggles to God is essential. How do I know? The prophets did as well. Both Moses and Elijah, the same two prophets speaking with Jesus at the Transfiguration called out to God in their most difficult times. They were so troubled they asked God to take them home. Can we not recognize that faithful Catholics also reach difficult points in their lives?

Therefore, I would suggest the couple do their best at NFP. Stay close to the sacraments, develop a solid prayer life and find a good confessor. They could also connect with a good married Catholic deacon and his wife to mentor them.

Photo: LogotypeVector from bigstockphoto.com

h/t Uncharted Catholic Man on YouTube

Fr. Robert J Carr is pastor of St. Anthony Parish in Allston, MA

The parish podcast is at https://catholicaudiomedia.com